“I don’t need or want my socks to give me
stock quotes. I just need them to hide my ugly feet and to not stink. And I
don’t want my underwear to solve mathematical equations or to spew out
gourmet recipes. They only need to protect my pants from embarrassing stains.”
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Domrzalski (Dom-zal-ski) is one of the
funniest and most entertaining columnists and authors writing today. He rants
against stupidity, hypocrisy, mediocrity and conformity with a flair,
blue-collar bluntness and hilarity that no one can match. And his targets,
whether they’re corrupted bureaucrats, blowhard, talentless newspaper
editors, or dim-witted celebrities hate him because he makes them look like
the losers they really are.
The Chicago native has been a newspaper reporter and
columnist for 23 years. His new comic novel, I Got Stinky Feet,
is an insanely funny attack on everything that is phony, pretentious and
politically correct in America.
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No one loves technology and the benefits the world’s inventors and tinkerers
have brought to the planet’s suffering masses more than I do.
I fall to my knees and tearfully thank the Almighty whenever I think of the
blessing he bestowed on us by giving someone the brains, ambition and courage
to invent the pop-top beer can.
The Internet has made vast troves of information available to all, and now,
even a rube living in the most isolated hamlet has instant access the world’s
great collections of pornography.
Although it isn’t considered “technology,” hundreds of millions men’s lives
have been made immeasurably better by the invention of the thong panty and
women’s bathing suit.
The miracle fabric that we know as polyester has made the world a better
place in two huge ways: It has led to the formation of discount retail chains
like Wal-Mart, which give poor and ill-mannered people their own places to
shop, and it has driven snooty fashion critics to have nervous breakdowns,
thus sparing the rest of us from having to listen to their snobbish babbling.
Peacenicks decry the development of our mighty, city-busting nukes, but,
hell, these atomic wonders stalled by 30 or 40 years the introduction of
sushi bars on our sacred soil.
And while I love TV remotes, telephones that surf the Internet and kitchen
gadgets for people who are too lazy to slice a tomato with a knife, I now
know that the techno-geeks have gone way overboard and that they must be
stopped. Because if they’re not, none of us will have any money left to buy
the things we really need, like clean underwear and alcohol and tobacco
The proof that our over-educated engineers and scientists have gone mad comes
from a recent news story about an ultra-thin computer screen that is three
human hairs thick and that can be bent, twisted and rolled up. And what would
we do with a computer screen that can be rolled up and bent?
That’s right, the nuts at E Ink Corp. in Cambridge, Mass., think we’ll want
to wear a computer screen.
“Another possible use is a jacket with a screen sewn into its sleeve to allow
its wearer to read e-mail while on the run, check stock prices or access maps
in an unfamiliar city,” the story said.
I’m happy to scream obscenities at a computer screen, ache to put my fist
through one and threaten to smash one on the floor when the kids spend too
much time in front of it instead of the TV.
But I’m not going to wear a computer screen.
Why would I?
I don’t need or want my socks to give me stock quotes. I just need them to
hide my ugly feet and to not stink. And I don’t want my underwear to solve
mathematical equations or to spew out gourmet recipes. They only need to
protect my pants from embarrassing stains.
Our scientists and engineers have given us wonderful and useful things:
Genetically engineered plants that kill bugs, miracle drugs that allow men
hours-long erections and cholesterol-busting stuff that lets us eat bacon
every day without dropping dead. But maybe we’re reached the top of the
mountain when it comes to technological advances. Instead of giving us things
that make us live longer and safer lives, the geeks, because they want to
keep their high-paying jobs, show everybody how smart they are and fill up
their time, are bombarding us with stuff we don’t need and won’t use.
We’ve been getting clues for several years now that our technology wizards
have too much free time. A few years ago, some of these geniuses put their
multiple Ph.Ds to use and invented a refrigerator that orders food from the
grocery store over the Internet. Since refrigerators don’t have jobs and
can’t pay for groceries, the food-ordering fridge has been a bust.
We now have people who can’t drive, eat in a restaurant or take a dump in the
woods without babbling into their cell phones. And it’s all because the geeks
have convinced us that we can’t live without these devices. Never mind that
humans got by for centuries without talking on the phone while expelling
We can stop the nerds from their idiotic quests to develop gadgets we don’t
need by refusing to buy these things. Americans must lead the way by refusing
to act like human cows that exist only to be milked of cash by corporations
and their researchers. We must stop buying every garbage gadget they come out
There’s still no cure for cancer. Blind people still can’t see, and diarrhea
still sends people racing to buy underwear when they could be enjoying
themselves. Scientists should be working harder on these things instead of on
wearable computer screens.
And if the scientists really want to make the world a better place, make tons
of money and distinguish themselves as true geniuses, they should work
feverishly to develop stuff that we need, want and will buy: Like powdered or
freeze-dried alcohol that can be mixed with water, milk, coffee and brandy.
Or on toilet paper that our fingers can’t poke through.
Dennis Domrzalski All rights reserved