Elephant Butte Morons

Elephant Butte Morons

April 26, 2003                            Dummies sell boats in a desert




“A new group of super-morons have been found in the sun-baked desert of New Mexico … the pathetic people around Elephant Butte Lake in southern New Mexico who decided that selling and servicing boats in a desert was a shrewd business move.”







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Dennis Domrzalski (Dom-zal-ski) is one of the funniest and most entertaining columnists and authors writing today. He rants against stupidity, hypocrisy, mediocrity and conformity with a flair, blue-collar bluntness and hilarity that no one can match. And his targets, whether they’re corrupted bureaucrats, blowhard, talentless newspaper editors, or dim-witted celebrities hate him because he makes them look like the losers they really are.

The Chicago native has been a newspaper reporter and columnist for 23 years. His new comic novel, I Got Stinky Feet, is an insanely funny attack on everything that is phony, pretentious and politically correct in America.



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n      New Mexico for New Mexican losers.

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     Some people are just plain stupid. They’re the kind you point out to children and laugh at: Fools who look into barrels of loaded guns, pay five bucks for a single, organically-grown green pepper and tell the truth in job interviews.

     Others are stupid and annoying: Losers who press elevator buttons that are already lit, don’t start filling out checks until their groceries have been checked and babble on about how much they love their jobs.

      Some people are so stupid, pathetic and dangerous that they deserve the lowly title of moron. These are dummies who think that their stupidity entitles them to money: Idiots who spill hot coffee on themselves and fat slobs who stuff their puffy faces with greasy burgers and then sue fast food joints for millions over their self-inflicted burns and quadruple chins, and smokers who blame their lung cancer on tobacco companies, and not on their 45 years of smoking and of ignoring millions of health warnings about the dangers of coating their lungs with tar.

        “Moron” used to be the lowest you could go on the stupidity scale. But not anymore. A new group of super-morons have been found in the sun-baked desert of New Mexico. 

     These super-morons are the pathetic people around Elephant Butte Lake in southern New Mexico who decided that selling and servicing boats in a desert was a shrewd business move and who are now whining that a three-year-long drought is drying up the man-made reservoir and hurting their businesses.

     You didn’t read it wrong. These are people who looked out at a vast expanse of sun-baked, treeless earth where it hardly ever rains, where water is scarce, where spit evaporates really fast, where the muddy ditch that’s called a river regularly goes dry and said: Eureka! A perfect place to sell boats!

     And now these super-morons who equate a bone-dry climate with boating are demanding that state government save them from their own bad choices, nature’s unpredictability and from annoying things called laws and contracts. They’re furious that New Mexico officials will release 122,500 acre feet of water from Elephant Butte this year, causing already record-low water levels at the lake to drop further. That water will go to farmers in New Mexico and Texas, and it is being released under the Rio Grande Compact, a 1930s era water contract that obligates New Mexico to deliver a certain amount of Rio Grande water to Texas every year.

     Water levels in Elephant Butte are low because it has barely rained for the past three years. Nature hasn’t replaced the water that has been released and that evaporates from the lake. The Southwest is in the midst of a drought that’s similar in severity to one in the 1950s that devastated agriculture and ranching in this region. That 1950s drought was mild compared to the dry spells that have gripped this area throughout history.

     Those low water levels mean that people like super-moron Elephant Butte boat dealer Paul Scott won’t be able to sell or rent boats because no one will buy boats at a lake that doesn’t have any water. Scott is furious that New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is keeping to the terms of New Mexico’s contract with Texas and releasing the water from Elephant Butte.

     “We will not have ramps in the water. We will have a mass exodus, and we’ll be out of business. They have just screwed us,” Scott whined.

     No one has screwed Scott and his Sierra County colleagues but themselves—and God. Anyone who believes there is long-term stability in the boating business in a desert is a fool.

      Since Scott is dumb enough to open a boat business in the desert, he may not have the mental wherewithal to understand Elephant’s Butte’s purpose. That would require reading, a grasp of history and an understanding of the legalities of the water compacts that have been in place for nearly 70 years.

     Elephant Butte was built by the U.S. Bureau of Reclamation to store water from the Rio Grande so it could be delivered to farmers in New Mexico and Texas when they need it, and to bank water in wet years so there would be some in dry years. It was built to try to sustain agriculture, which is another iffy proposition in a desert. That means that the water level in Elephant Butte rises or falls depending on how much or how little it rains. And in a brutal, three-year drought, the level is going to fall.

     Recreational boating, the business that Scott is in, developed as an offshoot to the Butte’s agricultural mission. And as high a purpose as it is to provide a tepid pool of water for people who drink cheap beer and ride in circles in boats bray and swear at each other, it’s a little higher priority to get water to people who grow food.

     Scott and some of his neighbors and colleagues probably consider themselves hardy business types. But they’re not. They’re as pathetic as any welfare pimp, smoker, or overeater who believes that the government or a corporation is to blame for their own stupidity and life’s harsh circumstances. They believe they’re entitled to make a living, even if it’s selling boats in a desert.

     Scott shouldn’t despair, though. He can still make a go of it. All he needs is to find someone dumb enough to buy boats in a place where’s there’s hardly any water.

     I’m sure he’s got lots of relatives.


©Copyright 2003 Dennis Domrzalski All rights reserved