Domrzalski (Dom-zal-ski) is one of the funniest and most entertaining
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Chicago native has been a newspaper reporter and columnist for 23 years. His
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War is hell. Ask anyone who's seen their buddies' heads blown off, frozen in
a foxhole or been shot at by angry men screaming insults at them in foreign languages.
But now, the big brains at Los Alamos National Laboratory are making war even
more sick and gruesome than it already is. The people who gave you strontium‑90
in your milk and blue snow are developing yet another weapon that'll have humans
diving under desks and cowering in basements and in bathrooms. And when the
horror of this device is known, even pacifists will be teary‑eyed for
old‑fashioned, city‑vaporizing nukes.
The spooks are developing so-called non‑lethal weapons. Things like
super glues that make bombers stick to runways and chemicals that turn truck
tires into powder. The idea is that these weapons will incapacitate humans,
but not kill them.
Listen to the generals and scientists and you get the idea that non‑lethal
weapons are gifts from God, sent down so we can still wage war but not hurt
each other. It's not so.
Some of these non‑lethal weapons are lasers that explode eyeballs and
microwaves that cook internal organs. Those are bad enough. But the pocket
protector crowd is busy on a gadget that is so grotesque that if used, we can
forget about calling ourselves humans. A news article explained the horrible
"Ifrasound: Very low frequency sound generators could be tuned to
incapacitate humans, causing disorientation, nausea, vomiting or bowel
Bowel spasms! Soldiers suffer enough trauma in war, what with having to watch
bodies being ripped apart and having to eat cold food. Must we subject them
to more pain?
One of the most embarrassing things that can happen to a human is having
someone discover that you went in your pants. Ask any second grader. Not only
will we subject brave soldiers to the trauma of losing control, but also to
the humiliation of having millions know that they couldn't hold it.
That's sick. Our enemies will get the weapon, too. And rather than having
snappy parades of returning soldiers who are maimed but proud, we'll have
sorry lines of vets hanging their heads, shuffling their feet and scrunching
their bottoms. Better to take a bullet in the spleen than to have a crushed
We'll be waging wars where the deciding factors will be not which side has
more ammo, bigger bombs, more courageous soldiers, smarter generals, or
better tactics, but who has more Pepto Bismol and toilet paper.
Some believe in the glory of the valiant charge toward the strongly held
enemy position while being splattered with pieces of your comrades. With this
machine, glory will be redefined as who made the quickest dash into the
Strategic targets will no longer be rail centers, ports or industrial cities,
but toilet paper factories. Rather than the shouts of "medic" and
"morphine," future battlefields will ring with calls of, "Underwear!
The scientists are wasting time and money in developing the bowel spasm
machine. That's typical. When scientists work themselves into patriotic
frenzies and develop nation‑busting bombs, species‑destroying
germs and other science‑advancing wonders, they usually fail to think
about the terrible consequences of their work or how impractical and unusable
their gadgets are.
It happened with nukes. After blowing up lots of big ones, making noise and
intimidating the Russians into building bigger nukes than we had, scientists
finally realized that "Hey, if we use these things, we'll destroy the
globe, and that means us, too."
They're making the same mistake with the bowel‑spasm machine. They
haven't thought about the consequences, or about whether this terrible
machine will lead to victory, which it won't. Because, non‑lethal
weapons or not, the enemy must still be cleared from the field to ensure
But what the spooks haven't figured is this: After you've caused millions of
enemy soldiers to have bowel spasms, who on earth is going to want to take
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