“But I bought the Bible and joined the Big He Club
because the president said that the Bible says that having oral sex with a
babe other than your wife isn't adultery. When I read that I said, 'That's
the book for me.' Oral sex outside of marriage and it ain't a sin. Woo Hee!
That makes a fella want to walk around town with his zipper down.”
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"Cheer up, Americans," the normally
solemn TV babbler shouted cheerfully out of the tube. "Already,
President Horny's personal crisis has had a positive impact on the nation.
Millions of Americans—men, women and hormone-ravaged teens—are flocking to
book stores to buy Bibles. And they're enrolling by the tens of millions in
the latest personal responsibility movement, The Big He Club.
a Big He chapter house here in the town of Zipperdown, Ark., where the
meeting hall is filling up. It's amazing. President Horny has sent the nation
on a Bible-buying binge. Let's find out why.
"Sir, I see you have a new Bible. I assume
you just bought it. Can you tell us why?"
Sure. Because of the president. I've been
reading about his adulterous affairs and decided it was time to get the good
"So you bought a Bible because President
Bimbo's reckless conduct made you realize that adulterous affairs bring about
shame and humiliation, hurt those you love, wreck careers and lead to
personal ruin? You have strayed, and you now seek repentance and the path to
a pure life?"
Nope. I indeed have strayed. I do so enjoy
having oral sex with women other than the missus. And yep, I've been feeling
guilty about it. But I bought the Bible and joined the Big He Club because
the president said that the Bible says that having oral sex with a babe other
than your wife isn't adultery. When I read that I said, 'That's the book for
me.' Oral sex outside of marriage and it ain't a sin. Woo Hee! That makes a
fella want to walk around town with his zipper down.
"Thank you. Ma'am, you are smiling
broadly, and you, too, have a new Bible. Has the good word brought you
I'm hoping it will. I'm 48, married and have a
20-year-old son. For years I've been carrying on with those well muscled
young studs on the high-school football team. If, like the president says,
this book says it's not adultery to have oral sex outside of marriage, then
it's got to say that screwing three dozen young hunks isn't adultery either.
I already feel better about myself.
"Thank you. Now we're taking you into the
Big He hall, where today the Big He himself is addressing members. Let's
Member One: Sir, I'm an important
political person. News stories are about to break about the fact that, for
two years now, I have had oral sex sessions with a young female staffer. I
know the editorial writers are going to scream for my resignation. Any
Big He: Say it's not true. And it isn't
if you really think about it. In my personal experience, I have had oral
physical conversations with thousands of women. It's a different language.
Our untiring study and practice in this language has brought us to a point of
proficiency where we are able to speak with skill, passion and precision to
each other. Tell people that, like me, you've been learning a new language. I
am, and so should you be, proud of being multilingual.
Member Two: I am about to be accused of
having a long-standing sexual relationship with my wife's young female
cousin. We've been going at it now for seven years. We've done everything
known to man, animals and plants. This will ruin me. What should I do?
Big He: Deny it because it's not true.
To me, "long-standing" means a minimum of 3,000 years. If you
haven't been poking her for that long, then it's not
"long-standing." And I know that when I converse with women in my
special way, I'm hardly ever standing. So that doesn't make sense either.
Member Three: Sir, I've had sex with my
neighbor's wife. Have I broken one of the Ten Commandments?
Big He: No. The commandment says
"Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife." The woman required you
to spend no time coveting her. Hell, you were in her pants before you had
time to think twice.
Finally, my good friends, I must get back to
the nation's capitol to conduct important business. So I say to you, and I say
it sincerely, I am leaving my beloved Zipperdown.
©2004 Dennis Domrzalski All Rights Reserved