Impaling PETA On A Fishhook

Impaling PETA On A Fishhook

April 7, 1996




“The latest entry in the idiotic, arrogant and misguided effort to make the world a perfect, painless place is a group called People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.”









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          PETA Losers Hate Fishing—Let’s Hook Them


            For most people, it's the things we did as kids that define who and what we are as adults.

            The defining, character-building activity of my early years was fishing. I stunk at it. While my companions were hauling in keepers, I was stomping my feet and throwing violent temper tantrums because I never caught anything--not even logs, seaweed or old underwear.

            Although fishing was the most frustrating experience of my young life, it was also the most instructive and beneficial. It shaped the essence of my being, instilling in me a hatred for anyone who caught more fish than I did, which was everybody who ever threw a line into the water. It also taught me to expect nothing from life and to despise other peoples' success.

            But even though I hated fishing, I am filled with inspiration and a renewed love of life when I muse on what for me were the most delightful aspects of angling--watching my uncle use pliers to peel the skin off of live bullheads, and being able to personally impale live worms on hooks.

            So you can understand my outrage and disgust at an animal rights group that wants to ban fishing.

            The latest entry in the idiotic, arrogant and misguided effort to make the world a perfect, painless place is a group called People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. PETA members will be out across the country this summer trying to harass people who are fishing because they say that fishing represents cruelty to animals.

             They'll skip rocks in the water where people are fishing. And they will bring out intellectual giants such as actor Woody Harrelson to lecture us on the evils of fishing. Harrelson tells us that he stopped eating fish after a scuba-diving trip. Wow. 

            Why the assault on fishing? Because, according to these enlightening words from PETA's fish campaign coordinator Tracy Reiman: "Fish are animals. Lobsters are animals. Crabs are animals. Just because they don't scream doesn't mean they don't suffer."

            Reiman is my candidate for hypocrite of the century. She's a vegetarian. And as I've pointed out before, vegetarians are killers. They behead plants, eat fetuses, uproot living things and disfigure plants. They're responsible for killing more living things in a day than Hitler and Stalin did in their entire blood-soaked careers.

            Remember Tracy, "Just because they don't scream doesn't mean they don't suffer."

            The anti-fishing people are the most profoundly stupid crowd I've ever heard about. Their lack of common sense and understanding of life, death and nature is frightening. So I'll tell them a little about life.

            Tracy, you, all of your friends, your mother, your father, your children, your colleagues, your pets--everything and everybody--will die. Every fish in the sea will die. That's the way things are.

            And Tracy, your beloved fish are killers. Big fish eat little fish. Bigger fish eat the big fish. And the biggest fish eat everything else. Tracy, fish eat their colleagues alive. Some fish even poison their fellow sea dwellers.

            Eagles, hawks, bears and other animals eat fish by the millions ever year. Are you going to harass the bears? Will you sue the eagles?

            I think it was Woody Allen who once observed that nature is a giant restaurant. That's life. Creatures kill other creatures. And Tracy, they don't kill other creatures because they're mean or cruel themselves. It's just that they get hungry.

            Life isn't complicated. Living things kill and eat other living things so they can stay alive until they are eaten or otherwise die.

            And it's time that people who understand and accept life for what it is stomp out idiots like the anti-fishing people. It's time that normal people take back the world from these hypocritical zealots.

            If anti-fishing muffins harass you this summer while you're fishing, throw rocks at them, tip over their boats, punch them and do whatever you can to make their lives miserable.

            As for me? I'm going to carry around a human-sized fishhook.

            And it won't be worms that I'll be impaling on it.


© Copyright 2003 Dennis Domrzalski. All Rights Reserved